what i would describe this post to be is not a self humiliation but just some thought sharing post (also kept images to maintain engagement)

some thoughts on things i've noticed since starting my second year in college

at the start of my second year in college, i decided it was time to step out of my comfort zone. i’d spent the last year quietly observing, but i couldn’t shake the feeling that if i continued on this path, by the end of my fourth year, i might be alone ,without even one person i could really count on. the thought unsettled me. i knew i had to change.

a lot of my classmates are now in relationships. it's not really a surprise tho , many of them had it coming from the start of the 1st year. it’s something i usually don’t talk about, but i think it's worth mentioning now. i’ve noticed that my online persona often feels like a separate version of me, someone much more confident and social than the one who struggles to make small talk in person.

this is kinda what i see everyday

in my mind, they’re ‘winning’ i.e. finding someone to be with, to share experiences with. it seems like something that comes naturally to most people. yet, here i am, wondering why i’m not in that same place. am i just numb to it? or have i simply given up on the idea altogether?

it’s not that i don’t desire a relationship right now; i do. it’s more that i can’t seem to connect with others in the same way. i’m not sure if it’s because i’ve become desensitized to seeing so many people in relationships or if it’s just me being afraid to try. i think partnering up is a very natural thing, and yet i’m not doing it. i’m not really doing much of anything socially, to be honest. i talk to a few people here and there, but it’s always the same 2-3 people over the last two years. it’s not that i don’t want to branch out, i just can’t find common ground to have meaningful conversations with anyone else.

people often tell me i’m holding back. my parents say i just don’t try enough. but the problem, i think, is that i can’t seem to find something to talk about with most people. even when i do, the conversation quickly dies because i don’t have enough depth to sustain it. it’s not that i don’t know things, it’s just that i know a little about a lot, but never enough about anything to keep a conversation going for long.

so, that’s the social side of things. maybe i’ll come back to this later in the post, but let’s move on for now.

the problem with being mid but being mid at a lot of things

as you know, i’m a computer science undergrad, so there’s a lot of coding involved. from data structures to computer design, the majority of my classes this year require me to write code.

the thing is, i feel like i’m 'mid' at coding. well, 'mid' by my own standards. if you compare me to my classmates, there are probably only 1-2 people who are genuinely better than me, and that’s mainly due to my lack of focus (focus being the copium here).

being mid is an odd place to be. you’re not bad enough to feel like you need to catch up, but you’re not good enough to feel like you’re ahead of the curve either. it’s like being stuck in the middle, unsure whether to push harder or just accept where you are. but i guess that’s a problem for another time.

well there is no reason to blame others , but its just that the people in my class are just not as good as me, so i don't really face any competition , apart from as i said 1 guy, and that doesn't really motivate me, but when i look at my college i am quickly humbled. there are several people on the campus who are far better than me but then again they are so better as such diverse things that it confuses me. as i said before i am mid , but in many many things , those people are good but in very few things so again the point remains


here i think the title comes into relevance, my winning is an illusion , i am not winning and stuff , i am just doing better than the average, but to be very good i have to do even better

what’s been hard to figure out, though, is how to measure progress. I look around and see people excelling in their specific areas whether it's coding, relationships, or just life in general and sometimes it feels like I'm stuck in the middle of it all. In my head, I keep thinking that if I just push harder in one direction, I’ll break through and "find my thing." But then I end up feeling exhausted or lost because I can’t quite pinpoint where I should focus my energy.

social media doesn’t help either. seeing other people thriving in their relationships or landing internships or just living their best lives has a weird way of making me feel... behind. I start questioning everything: "Should I be better at coding? Should I be more outgoing? Should I be making more of an effort to connect with others?" These comparisons are draining, yet somehow they fuel me at the same time pushing me to strive for something I can't even define.

the thing is i do have a known path

i do have a clear idea of what i have to do to obtain what i want to obtain , but the thing is there is no clear motivation, i guess my competitive spriti has reduced from two weeks to 2 minutes , i do not know what has caused this but i think llms played a huge part , along with unrestricted internet access. but i wouldn't blame internet for what i have become as without it i wouldn't be what i am right now and even though that alternate version of me would be super achieved guy i don't think i would be having this cool lore ykwim

i feel like i should include some images to maintain engagement

this may feel like a jealousy post , as if i hate someone for how good they are than me. well tbh i do hold a bit of resentment but no i am not jealous of them

you see some peoplpe have problems like money or looks or stuff , i can say i am not bad in both of them , with more not bad in the former but again i have seen none of these two hold people back and often times leaving me in awe on how they pull off what they do. the real fight i really have is myself vs myself.

some additional things which don't really fit into any categories

lmao why does this feel like an english assignment about write 10 bad and 10 good things about you

anyways

i really think i have to blame llms here for kinda slowing me down while giving me the look of moving very fast, lets say i am talking to someone on a technical communication channel and its going well. but as it goes deeper i find myself having to open chatgpt on the side to keep querying and learning about the stuff. it does help me keep the convo flowing at that point in time but if the tech didn't exist i wouldn't even have pretended to know the stuff.ykw i feel like i have written nonsense its actually goated to fake it till you make it.

its funny really, how many unfinished side projects i have, and for the next one i am trying to make an OS. well technically a embedded OS for my nodemcu.yeah idek man but i will make it. for as i said i do know the steps i need to take to reach the route i need to reach and this is kinda feels like one of them.

yk i really do have the potential (not copium; i have major olympiad achievments before getting nerfed), i just need to work on them. supplements ( not adderall) aren't going to do the work, i have to. well whatever

as to justify the title "the illusion of winning" , i wrote it because it feels in my life that i am progressing at a good speed, because there is no major hurdle competition that i am facing irl ( daily that is ). so even though i am "winning" or just say feeling like i am moving forward (even though i am) , it doesn't feel upto my standard i wanna set for myself. this is what i want to put to justify the title of this post

i don't really have a conclusion for this post , and this isn't a rant post just a thought aloud post. i think i will do some more of this later too but i guess i should write some technical posts too , irrespective of the amount of people who view this thing.

thanks for reading

i think i should add comments on this blog , will make a software to allow so :p